Tuesday, November 04, 2014

What It Was Like To Have An Abortion

*UPDATE at the end of this post. Written 11/5/14*

I had planned to write this days ago, in the hope that it might help someone decide how to vote on Amendment 1 in the state of Tennessee.

My prayer today will be that this isn't too little, too late.

I've shared my story many times with women one on one, and I've always shared it when I've led a women's retreat or a Bible study by weaving it into why it's SO important to know how to study the Bible for ourselves.

Today is the day to share it here.

I will be closing comments for this post.


I grew up under a Biblical false teacher who taught from the pulpit that abortion was a woman's right to choose because a baby wasn't a human being until it took its first breath of life on its own. He taught that the moment they took their first breath was when "spirit life" was breathed into them.

What a lie!

Let's see what God says about when life begins:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, 
And before you were born I consecrated you; 

Psalm 139:13-16

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, 
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

In order for you to understand how indoctrinated I was with this lie, let me explain further.
From the time I was 7 years old, I had to listen to a tape of this false teacher nightly, take notes, and turn them into my mom. I trust that her heart intention was good. She had just been deeply deceived because she didn't know how to study the Word for herself either, so she fell prey to this man's lies.

My mother lost my sister before I was born. Jennifer was stillborn at 9 months, and I can remember asking my mother from the time I was a very little girl if I would meet Jennifer in Heaven. 

The answer was always, "No baby, she never had spirit life breathed into her. She was ashes to ashes and dust to dust."

Yet, every October my sweet mother grieved the loss of my sister. I could see it on her face. Sometimes we'd talk about it when I was older, but I had nothing to give her. 
No words to encourage her that she would indeed see her baby girl one day.

There are parts of my life story that I could write here that might give you some compassion for the choice that I made to have an abortion, but to share those could shut down any hope for the future that I hold for some I love. 

So, if you choose to judge me for something I did when I was lost, that will be between you and the Lord. Good luck with that if you go that route.

I lived a life of immorality prior to coming to know Jesus in June of 1999. Gross immorality.

In 1993 I dated a man 19 years my senior because I was so desperately looking for a father figure. Three months into the relationship I announced to my family and friends that I was breaking up with him because he was too controlling.

The next day, I found out I was pregnant and within the week we were engaged. Insane. Absolutely insane!

I carried the baby three and 1/2 months, and was in a car accident. A few days later, I started to bleed and when I went to the doctor it was confirmed that the baby didn't make it. What was explained to me is fuzzy all these years later, but I think that the baby had stopped developing prior to the wreck. (That matters to the story as follows.)

Of course, they didn't call it a baby. They called it a fetus.

But I remember how kind that doctor was. He was old enough to be my father and I remember him lovingly and gently trying to give me counsel with regard to the path I was on with my life.

If only I had listened!

I was pretty devastated when a few days later, I miscarried the baby in the privacy of my apartment. I remember reaching into the toilet and picking up what I had passed and thinking that it just looked like a clump of clay. 

I didn't see a body. I just saw a gray clump. 

In that moment, I decided deep in my heart that what the false teacher had taught all of those years must have been truth. 

I had always been one to say, "I could never have an abortion, but I believe it's a woman's right to choose."

That moment in time changed my mind. 

Six months later, after breaking up with the father figure and going about my life of business woman by day and free-living woman by night, I was pregnant again. By someone else.

For many, many years I had purchased birth control through Planned Parenthood. I started that in college because Planned Parenthood provided birth control on a sliding scale fee. In essence, it was pretty close to free.

Once I had a successful career, I even wrote checks to support Planned Parenthood because they had been so "good" to me when I was broke.

So yes, I had birth control. It seems it just didn't always make its way to my mouth.

I simply cannot put into words for you how out of control and insane my life was at this time. I was a spiritual and emotional wreck, but no one would have known it unless they were looking at me through Spiritual eyes.

When I found out I was pregnant the second time, I called the guy to tell him just because I thought it was the right thing to do to let him know that I wanted to have an abortion. I felt he had a choice in the matter, I guess.

It was at that time that he disclosed to me that he already had a child. She was 7 years old, and he hadn't seen her since she was a baby. 

That spoke volumes to me. 

At the time, I was 24 years old with a budding career. I desperately wanted to be married with children, but I didn't want to be a single mom who worked while her child was in day care all day long. I also didn't want to be judged by anyone.

So I chose to abort my baby.

It breaks my heart to tell you this, but I even had a very precious family whom I love to this day who sat me down and offered to adopt my baby if I chose to carry it.

Oh my gosh, I can barely write that without totally losing it!

The day came for the abortion. I took a Friday off of work, and scheduled it for that day so I'd have the weekend to recover.

Much of the day is a blur to me. I remember being in the waiting room, with the precious woman who offered to adopt my baby and with the guy who was paying for the abortion.

I was then called back to have an ultrasound. 

The tech asked me how far along I thought I was and I said, "About six weeks."

"Oh, you're probably going to have to go home and let it grow for another six weeks before we can do this," she said while rubbing my belly with her wand..her screen turned so only she could see it.

I distinctly remember saying, "Oh, please! You have to get it today. I'm not emotionally attached yet, but I know what it is to be 12 weeks along, and I will be if I have to wait that long."

She continued with the ultrasound and then said, "OK. I see the heartbeat. We can get it today."

Let me write that again..

"OK. I see the heartbeat. We can get it today."

I never saw the heartbeat. 
I never saw the sonogram picture. 
I was never even asked if I wanted to see it.

There was no counseling given to me. 
No one asked me if I had considered the long term ramifications of the "choice" I was about to make.


I am a mother to living children today, and I can tell you this...when I first saw their heartbeats on the sonogram monitor, I wept both times. 



The next thing I remember is being on the operating table with several people in the room. 
I remember the doctor was very crass and hard. I don't remember kind nurses, or anyone nurturing in the least.

The sound of the suction that was used to vacuum my baby from my womb sounded like the loudest shop vac you can imagine. 

After the shop vac came lots and lots of scraping.

I remember hearing, "I'm pretty sure I got it all. She's gonna be sore. Check her well for bleeding."

Then I was sent to recovery, which was a big room full of beds lined side by side. It was like the pictures we see of old hospital wards.

I was in SO MUCH pain, and kept asking for something for it. 

Nobody helped me.

I just laid there writhing and moaning out until the "doctor" came out and said,
 "Shut her up! She's going to scare the others in the waiting room!"

Then I was given more for the pain.

I spent that weekend with my dear friend. She lovingly cared for my every need, as I bled and bled and bled.

By Monday, I was back at work as if nothing had happened.

Now, I'd like to share with you the rest of the story...

On June 11, 1999 I was radically saved by Jesus. It was 13 days into my marriage with my beloved husband of 15 years.

We suffered countless miscarriages. By 2005, after our two living children had been born, my reproductive system seemed only to be able to produce miscarriages and intense pain.

So with tears in my eyes as they rolled me down to surgery, I had a hysterectomy.

BUT...I made the doctor who performed it PROMISE me that she'd take a picture of my womb and show it to me after the surgery.

She asked why and I explained about the abortion and she wanted to give me a counseling session on forgiving myself.

I stopped her and said, 
"I KNOW that I am forgiven by Jesus. He has made that abundantly clear, both through His Word and through His Spirit. I just HAVE to know if my choice impacted my ability to have the big family that I always dreamed of having."

A day or two after having the surgery, she walked into my hospital room as I was reading my Bible. I'd never seen someone actually physically bristle at the sight of God's Word, but she did. 

She then produced the photographs of my womb. I wasn't trained to know what I was seeing, but it sure looked horrific.

So I asked her, "What does that tell you?"

She said very simply, "You were butchered. I'm amazed that you have any children at all."

Did you catch that?


Let me be very clear here.

I am not blaming anyone for the choices I made. They were sinful choices made by a lost young woman full of sin, and full of self.

However, I do want you to know something if you're considering having an abortion... the industry did NOT CARE ONE BIT about my health. 
They didn't care about my future. 
They weren't trying to help me long term.

If they had been, they wouldn't have butchered my womb.

It's that simple.

A few years after the abortion, I remember walking into a church and it was Sanctity of Life Sunday. I'd never heard anything about it, but everywhere I looked men were wearing little baby feet pins on their lapels.

When the pastor started teaching against abortion, I literally had to be held in my seat by the person I was with because I was so close to coming out of it and screaming, "KEEP YOUR POLITICS TO YOURSELF! I'M HERE TO HEAR A SERMON ON THE BIBLE!!"

I was SO deceived.

I was SO lost.

I SO needed Jesus Christ to take away that evil, hard heart and give me the new heart that He promises to those who enter into the New Covenant through Him!

A few months after I became a Christian and God gave me my new heart, I was pregnant with our son and I remember asking the Lord to please tell me whether or not what I had done by having an abortion was sin. 

He tenderly but clearly whispered to my heart, "It was murder."

I love that the Lord knows us each so well, and He knew that I needed Him to answer me that clearly. He didn't condemn me, because His Word is true!
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I've never again questioned whether or not I committed murder. I know I did. 
I also know that I'm forgiven in Christ.

JESUS took my condemnation! 
Jesus paid the price for EVERY SINGLE SIN I've ever committed, or will.

If I didn't know that with every ounce of my being, there is no way I could publicly share this story, but I do so with my husband's permission and with much prayer from many precious sisters in Christ who have been lifting me up, knowing I was going to write this.

If you live in Tennessee, as you go to the polls today, please...VOTE "YES" on Amendment 1.

Women who seek abortions should have protections put in place for them both emotionally and physically...protections we don't have for them today.

Remember what my doctor said to me in 2005?


Please, let's help protect other young, lost women from having any part of their future ruined.
Let's do all we can to help them choose life.

Won't you please pray with me, if you're a Believer in Christ Jesus?

"Oh Father God,

Thank you for your forgiveness which you grant to us when we believe that Jesus is your Son and confess with our mouths that you raised Him from the dead. Thank you for the gift of repentance that you grant to us, hand in hand with the gift of faith.

LORD, Amendment 1 doesn't stand a chance of winning without Your Divine hand making it happen, and the truth is LORD that we as a nation have so sinned against You that You don't owe us a victory in this.

So I come before You Lord, and I confess as Nehemiah did the sins of our nation, the sins of our fathers, and my own sin.

We PRAISE You LORD, that you don't need numbers to accomplish Your goals. You proved that beautifully when You reduced Gideon's army from 22,000 to 300 men and then gave them victory over their enemies without them even having to lift a sword!

We plead with You, LORD, to move on behalf of the remnant of Your beloved who delight in You.

We plead with You on behalf of the women who don't yet know you, but who know of the abortion mills, and of Planned Parenthood and look to them as a refuge as I did.

Lord, please use this post to save lives. 

Please use it to speak reality into the minds of Tennessee voters today, and into the hearts of women who are considering abortion both today and in the years to come.

In the Name of Jesus Christ I ask,
By the power of Your Holy Spirit who indwells me, 
And to Your Majesty and Glory, Father.


I hope you'll come back to my blog and read part two of this story. I'd like to tell you of the amazing hope that Jesus gave me with regard to my baby that I aborted. 

But that's a story for another day.

You have my full permission to share this post on Facebook, Twitter, however you are led if your motive is to help save another woman and her baby.

Much love to you,

UPDATE: PRAISE GOD from Whom ALL blessings flow! 
Amendment 1 passed in Tennessee!!

It truly is a miracle given to us by Almighty God that it did. 
Planned Parenthood was funneling money into our state from all over the country. The list of donors for "No on 1" had countless Planned Parenthoods on it.

We who were for "Yes on 1" were outspent dramatically.
We were also outnumbered.

PRAISE truly WAS  a GIDEON story! Did you read that link above? If not, here it is again. You NEED to read it! 

Gideon's Story

The "No on 1" campaign commercials were full of lies. Yet when you reason through that tactic by using Scripture, it only makes sense. 

Jesus says this of Satan, the thief...
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

Do you see that? Satan's goal is to KILL! 
Jesus came to give LIFE!

Scripture also says this of Satan: 

“You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father
He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. 
Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Do you see THAT?!

The father of lies.
A murderer from the beginning.
There is NO truth in him.
He is a LIAR.

So, it's no surprise that those working against the protection of LIFE would lie in their ads. For every woman who chooses LIFE for her baby, they lose money. 


Let's pray! 

"Oh God Almighty,


You are so, so amazing LORD! 

With eyes pouring tears, we thank you for the victory that YOU gave us yesterday.

It was by Your hand, Your mercy, and Your sovereignty working through countless precious of your saints who have fasted, prayed, and toiled in Your Name for over 14 years that this victory was secured.

We pray now, in the Name of Jesus, that the number of murdered children in our state will be reduced drastically. We ask that You would even drive the abortion mills out of our state, and out of our country.

Thank you Lord that you still redeem Rahabs today. Rahab's story & Here

You still bring beauty from ashes. Scripture

And You still rule from the heavens! 
The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, 
And His sovereignty rules over all.

We love you with all of our hearts.

Thank you.

In the Name of Jesus,
By the power of Your Holy Spirit, 
and to Your Majesty we pray,


Love to you today reader,