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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Learned That It Bathes My Soul!

We sat tonight, me and my three. We sat as Daddy read the Word over us.


Oh, how I love and cherish those sweet times.


How I am ever amazed how the God of the Universe still speaks through His Word, directly to the hearts of those who seek Him.


Really, through the tears that now are pouring over my eyelashes, I have to ask you, is there anything in the WORLD better than the Lord of Hosts ministering straight to you?!


It's been a crazy week for the Womacks.


Some of it I am at liberty to share with you, some of it I can't.


I'll lead with this...I saw an MS Specialist yesterday, and she was so very good! I'm still processing much of what she told me, but am incredibly thankful to have met with her.


She opened up all of my MRIs and walked us through every lesion. She was clicking through those films like an accountant on an adding machine, lightning fast, and it was so apparent that she knows her stuff. 
An image would be on the screen for mere seconds, and she'd have already identified the lesion(s)....


With several of them she said, "Oh yes, this is classic MS."


Ouch.


Don't know that I was ready to hear that. I guess that part of me has still been living in the world of 
"Maybe this has all been a big mistake."


Uh, those days are past...and with their passing, I'm finding a new level of mourning.


I don't think I've really mourned this yet. 


I think I kept telling myself that there's NO WAY that both I and my best friend from childhood could have the same incurable disease.


That's a bit insane, don't you think?!


I also think that I felt so crummy for so many months on end, that I didn't have much time to think about MS, I was just trying to get through it.


One of you asked recently, "How are you dealing with it in your head, the reality that this could kill you? 
That it likely will?"


The truth is, I just can't spend much time on that in my head. I'm scared today...I'm sorting through the emotions of all that yesterday's appointment brought up, but within a day or two, I'll be back in the game.


When I let myself think about the future, it's terrifying. I don't so much think about me, but I do think a lot about the impact that my disease could have on my family, and that about makes me want to jump off a cliff.


See why I don't go there?


I mean, the reality is that this is life.


People get sick.


Life changes.


What am I to do?


I'm a fighter. It's just who I am. I will give myself the grace I need, room to cry some much needed tears, and then I'll start afresh with the reality that every single one of us will die one day. 


You know, it's not dying that I'm scared of....it's more the progression that this disease could take that can strike fear in me.


Yet, I know that people live with it for many years...15 and up.


Remember when 15 years seemed like an eternity? It doesn't feel that way to me anymore.


I see the faces of my precious kiddos, and I'm scared.


I hug my darling, and the hugs never seem long enough.


I don't care too much about anything but them right now...as it should be.


OK, so I take that back...I care deeply for my precious friends...oh how I love my amazing friends!


What I should have said was, "I think my days of leading classes, setting up trainings, volunteering left and right....those days are over for me..."


I love being an armchair quarterback, though. I have deeply enjoyed being available for my friends who have stepped into leading Precept classes. 


Each time that one of them comes over to sit in one of my cushy red armchairs, and allows me the privilege of listening to them reason through a question they have regarding leading, and then makes me feel like someone of great brilliance just because I might say, "Have you considered ___________?"... all the while giving me the unspeakable joy of hearing them say, "I did think about that, I just wasn't sure....but now that you ask, I know how to handle this!"


AH...and then they S-O-A-R!


I love it, ya'll. I just love that more than I can explain!


It's such a moment of pure bliss to see a leader grab their God given confidence in Him, and in how He is leading them, and then run out in obedience!


Ah, better than fudge, it is!


I dare say, better than PEANUT BUTTER fudge!


Those who know me well, know there is little in life that is better to me than peanut butter fudge. :)


A few questions for you. I do hope you'll comment...


How did we go from my being bathed in the Word by my precious husband, to my unnatural love for something that is going to make my butt expand?!


Rapidly.


I'm just asking....


How did we go from my crippling crazy fear of this crazy crippling disease to my pure joy over seeing my friends step out as Precept leaders?


How is it that I'm up at 3am writing this post?!


This is nuts.


Can you tell it's leg shot day?


I dread leg shot day...the legs hurt the worst. So, those nights I write blog posts instead of taking my shot on time.


I wonder if it would help if I drank that bottle of wine with a straw?


I'm kidding!


That's redneck.


Love ya'll tonight!
Jes












2 comments:

Stephanie said...

Loving and praying for all the Womacks! xoxo

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Paige said...

Love reading your blog! It is so refreshing and challenges me in my walk with Christ. Praying for you and your family as you continue to walk along this path in your life...