I'm Just Being Honest...

I'm scared today.

Up to this point, I haven't dealt with a lot of fear regarding these health issues, but today, I am scared.

My right hand and foot have been numb for days, into weeks.

My left hand is now numb, or at least a few fingers on it are.

My left foot is starting to tingle..the precursor to going numb, I'm learning.

My right hand keeps seizing...twice today.

My right foot keeps acting like it's about to.

I have this shooting pain that keeps coming up the back of my head...starts at the base of my skull and shoots upward.

The headache now seems to be my constant companion.

I'm sick at my stomach.

I'm not thinking clearly at times...not quickly much at all.

I'm walking funny.

My right foot is dragging some.

And I had a bad hair day. That alone is scary enough!

Yet, I know that the Almighty has led me to very possibly Phoenix's best neurologist. 

Above his desk he has a scroll. On the scroll are written words in Hebrew. I asked him what it said, and he answered, "It's a prayer asking for Divine guidance in diagnosis and treatment."

OK, you know I LOVE THIS MAN already!

Then Shane saw some Bibles on his shelf, too.

Oops! I love him MORE now!

Seriously though, he's thorough. He's making sure that he researches every possible thing this could be. 

I have a level 3 MRI scheduled next Saturday at Barrow. It will take a mere 4 hours.

They will image my spine from several points, and my brain. "within" and "without"....which I think has something to do with dyes, but who knows?

Then, I'll have a lumbar puncture. (This is Spinal Tap)....remember them from the '80s?!

So, why am I scared?

I'm not afraid of the MRI, they've been good enough to give me happy pills to survive 4 hours in the tube. 

(Shelly and Pam, I promise not to call you again when I'm that happy, and I take no responsibility for anything that I said in our last calls.)  :)

I'm a little afraid of the lumbar puncture, and no, Spinal Tap will not be playing for the event.

I'm definitely afraid of the post-puncture days....I'm going to need help for 5 days straight, so I can lay flat on my back and make sure the area seals back up correctly.

That'll be fun...taxing my sweet friends yet once again!

SO...what am I afraid of?

What had me in tears tonight?

I am wondering if it's a tumor, and that prospect scares me. 

It seems as this point that MS or Epilepsy is something that can be treated.

A brain tumor...big questions about that one.

I'm not afraid to die, either. You see, Jesus came to earth and took on the person of man, so that He would qualify as my Kinsman Redeemer...He has already redeemed me from the curse of death. Death is swallowed up in victory, though Christ Jesus.

Halelluia!

No death for those who are in Christ...only glory to look forward to. Amen!

Can I get an AMEN?!

Somebody shoot me an AMEN!

No, I'm not afraid to die.

I'm just afraid to leave.

Through all we've been dealing with in this, each glimpse of the sweet face of one of my children has become all the more precious to me.

Each game of UNO becomes a sweet bonding time with them.

Every kiss granted to me, is like honey on my lips....sweet, sweet, sweet.

And I've seen my children grow in mercy through it all...I think they're finally seeing that this is a serious thing we're dealing with as a family, and they are finding ways to help. From cleaning the floors before our company came, to letting me hold onto their arms, or their shoulders when we're walking near one another, so that I don't lose my balance.

I'm seeing through fresh eyes what precious, tender kids we have been blessed with.

I don't want this to be a brain tumor. I know I've joked about it, but tonight, I'm serious as a judge, I'm scared....and I don't want it to be a tumor.

I don't want to die when my children are little.

I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And tonight, I'm scared.

My babies need their momma. My sweetheart needs his honey.

I know, God is sovereign. I do know that. Even this He has plans for good to come through. 

I know that. 

And I know that my babies only need their momma if God so deems that they do.

And I know that my sweetheart only needs his honey if God so deems that he does.

But my flesh cries out, 

"Please Lord, I want to be here for my family. I love you beyond words, Father, and my heart cries out to be with You forever. But Father, You have crafted me in human form, and my flesh wants to stay the course here on earth and nurture the precious family that you have given me. Please Lord, above all...tear down my fleshly wants the minute that they begin to exalt themselves against you...for I want to live by the spirit and not by the flesh...therefore, Father....Your will be done in me, Your will be done in me, now and forevermore."

"I love you, Lord. I am Yours, and I know that You are mine."