Sunday, May 31, 2009

I'm Just Being Honest...

I'm scared today.

Up to this point, I haven't dealt with a lot of fear regarding these health issues, but today, I am scared.

My right hand and foot have been numb for days, into weeks.

My left hand is now numb, or at least a few fingers on it are.

My left foot is starting to tingle..the precursor to going numb, I'm learning.

My right hand keeps seizing...twice today.

My right foot keeps acting like it's about to.

I have this shooting pain that keeps coming up the back of my head...starts at the base of my skull and shoots upward.

The headache now seems to be my constant companion.

I'm sick at my stomach.

I'm not thinking clearly at times...not quickly much at all.

I'm walking funny.

My right foot is dragging some.

And I had a bad hair day. That alone is scary enough!

Yet, I know that the Almighty has led me to very possibly Phoenix's best neurologist. 

Above his desk he has a scroll. On the scroll are written words in Hebrew. I asked him what it said, and he answered, "It's a prayer asking for Divine guidance in diagnosis and treatment."

OK, you know I LOVE THIS MAN already!

Then Shane saw some Bibles on his shelf, too.

Oops! I love him MORE now!

Seriously though, he's thorough. He's making sure that he researches every possible thing this could be. 

I have a level 3 MRI scheduled next Saturday at Barrow. It will take a mere 4 hours.

They will image my spine from several points, and my brain. "within" and "without"....which I think has something to do with dyes, but who knows?

Then, I'll have a lumbar puncture. (This is Spinal Tap)....remember them from the '80s?!

So, why am I scared?

I'm not afraid of the MRI, they've been good enough to give me happy pills to survive 4 hours in the tube. 

(Shelly and Pam, I promise not to call you again when I'm that happy, and I take no responsibility for anything that I said in our last calls.)  :)

I'm a little afraid of the lumbar puncture, and no, Spinal Tap will not be playing for the event.

I'm definitely afraid of the post-puncture days....I'm going to need help for 5 days straight, so I can lay flat on my back and make sure the area seals back up correctly.

That'll be fun...taxing my sweet friends yet once again!

SO...what am I afraid of?

What had me in tears tonight?

I am wondering if it's a tumor, and that prospect scares me. 

It seems as this point that MS or Epilepsy is something that can be treated.

A brain tumor...big questions about that one.

I'm not afraid to die, either. You see, Jesus came to earth and took on the person of man, so that He would qualify as my Kinsman Redeemer...He has already redeemed me from the curse of death. Death is swallowed up in victory, though Christ Jesus.


No death for those who are in Christ...only glory to look forward to. Amen!

Can I get an AMEN?!

Somebody shoot me an AMEN!

No, I'm not afraid to die.

I'm just afraid to leave.

Through all we've been dealing with in this, each glimpse of the sweet face of one of my children has become all the more precious to me.

Each game of UNO becomes a sweet bonding time with them.

Every kiss granted to me, is like honey on my lips....sweet, sweet, sweet.

And I've seen my children grow in mercy through it all...I think they're finally seeing that this is a serious thing we're dealing with as a family, and they are finding ways to help. From cleaning the floors before our company came, to letting me hold onto their arms, or their shoulders when we're walking near one another, so that I don't lose my balance.

I'm seeing through fresh eyes what precious, tender kids we have been blessed with.

I don't want this to be a brain tumor. I know I've joked about it, but tonight, I'm serious as a judge, I'm scared....and I don't want it to be a tumor.

I don't want to die when my children are little.

I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And tonight, I'm scared.

My babies need their momma. My sweetheart needs his honey.

I know, God is sovereign. I do know that. Even this He has plans for good to come through. 
I know that. 

And I know that my babies only need their momma if God so deems that they do.

And I know that my sweetheart only needs his honey if God so deems that he does.

But my flesh cries out, 
"Please Lord, I want to be here for my family. I love you beyond words, Father, and my heart cries out to be with You forever. But Father, You have crafted me in human form, and my flesh wants to stay the course here on earth and nurture the precious family that you have given me. Please Lord, above all...tear down my fleshly wants the minute that they begin to exalt themselves against you...for I want to live by the spirit and not by the flesh...therefore, Father....Your will be done in me, Your will be done in me, now and forevermore."

"I love you, Lord. I am Yours, and I know that You are mine."


Anonymous said...

Jesica, I am holding you and your family up in prayer, sharing in the prayer that you have shared. Please let me know what you need! I am happy to help in any way I can.

In His love,
Carol K.

Lauren said...

Praying for you. I did not know what your health issues were from the casual Facebook relationship (called friendship :)) we have established. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your fears. God is good and your doctor sounds like His servant.

Stephanie said...

Lord, I know that You alone are sovereign and everything that happens in our lives passes through Your hands. But Lord, I beg you, PLEASE be with your precious daughter Jesica and make Your Presence felt each day in a mighty way. Replace her fear with joy. Thank You Lord for the lessons that we all learn when we suffer, either personally, or as we walk along side with someone we love who is suffering. Thank You Lord for blessing Jesica with Shane & their 2 beautiful children. Give them strength and compassion each day. Guard their hearts and do not let the enemy speak lies into their hearts. Lord, I pray this in the MIGHT NAME of of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. AMEN!

Deb said...

Hey Jesica,
I stopped in the middle of your post to say...


for now, back to reading.

God, I ask you to be her and her families strength right now
-In Jesus Name.

Woman in the Tent said...

Haven't been very bloggy lately. Just happened to stop by today to check in with you. I have recently begun work at an MRI center, so I understand the procedures you are having. I will be praying Psalm 37:23-24 over you next Saturday...The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.

Anonymous said...

Oh,Jesica,my sweet friend through Precept,
I couldn't get to sleep tonite,came to the computer after praying and checked in to your blog here-My heart is deeply with you.
I am praying now-calling out to Him for mercy.Of course all the feelings and needs you express are certainly ones He understands and in keeping with His daughter's love for her children and husband-a most godly and unselfish love so not to apologize.He knows you love Him and desire so to be pleasing to Him.I am praying for Him to give the most comfort and wisdom as you go step by step-for His grace and mercy to go before all of you-for ability to rest in and trust Him each minute over and above -supernaturally-.I will pray for post test comfort and healing,too.(next Saturday?)
And Wow-what amazing grace to have a physician who belongs to Him!
Sending LOVE to you and your family-
Susan in Seattle

chandy said...

I wish I had something eloquent to write...I'll just echo and amen Stephanie's beautiful prayer.

Anonymous said...

Hi sweet sister! I am lifting you and your beautiful family in prayer. Pain is not wasted!
I love you beyond words.

Deb said...

Whew, quite a few sighs and many tears, I have NO words for what you are having to go through…

God, I pray that you lead and give Jes what ever you see
that she Needs…I pray for relief of her fears, even though
they are very PRESENT—

I have been through some difficult things for sure, but nothing too compare to what you’re having to endure, but…
God has multiple times brought this verse to my path, you are
already doing this, but I just wanted to share anyway.

Prov. 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on
your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

Father God of ALL, I pray your peace for Jesica and her precious family as you carry her through, I pray for her THE peace (your peace) that passes all understanding. I pray God that as she seeks after you in this trial, that you would, whenever needed give her your supernatural touch to see her through! I also ask for your healing hand to cover her.

We Bless you God, In Jesus Name we thank you for hearing our prayers.

In His Love, Deb

Jamiee said...

Jes - sweet friend, who really brought me to Christ.
You are in my prayers.
Remember to learn on Him and He will carry you through on wings like eagles.
I will be in much more prayer for you over the next few days sweet friend.
Thank you for your honesty and preciousness.
Can I bring you a meal for your freezer so that someone can cook it for you next week? It is hard for me to get a hot meal up to you, but I can bring a frozen one if you like. It is apricot pork and is delicious! Let me know
In prayer,