How You Can Tell When I'm Not Doing Well

Dear Friends and Readers...


I must tell you that I long to be one of those bloggers who faithfully writes every day. 


Truly, I do.


It's rare that a day goes by that I'm not thinking of something that I want to share with you. I even have posts that are in draft form in Blogger, that I'm just waiting to finish so that I can publish them for you.


Some of you tell me that you check my blog every day for an update. 


Wow. What a humbling thought. Thank you.


This has been a roller-coaster week. 


Many highs. A few really low lows.


First the highs:


1. A dear friend donated almost 300,000 Hilton points for my friend and I for our New York trip. 


We will be close enough to the theatre district to walk to it! 


Ahem....James Earl Jones and Vanessa Redgrave are staring in 
"Driving Miss Daisy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We're both still in awe!


2. An unexpected early Christmas present arrived this week. Let's just say it was...uh, there are no words. It was a gift of freedom, and we are deeply thankful for it!


3. God has done a great work of healing in a relationship that means so very much to me. Without question, it was His hand, to His glory, and His precious gift in my life.


Thank You, Jesus. 
You've known my heart for over a decade. 
Thank You, and praise You!


4. My family and I went to see 
"White Christmas" tonight. It's a traveling Broadway show, and it was superb! 


I took Brennan shopping this afternoon (a task that only a Titan should take on) and we found the cutest little outfit for her. She looked precious, and I could tell that she felt like a million bucks! 


However, for a girl (me) who really prefers to shop in totally  stealth mode, this trip just about took me to my end!


I'm not kidding you when I tell you that the dress came from one store, the shoes from another, the sweater from still another, and the "I just gotta have these 2 outfits, Momma" from another.


Praising God that our little mall is just that...little!


Mini rant here...why is it that once a girl is out of a size 6x, designers and buyers think that mothers actually want and will pay for our daughters to dress 6 years older than they really are?!


Almost every cute outfit that we found was black! 


I told her, "You will have the rest of your life to dress in black. There is absolutely no reason for you to start doing so now."


Thankful that she agrees with me, so there was no battle. :)


Now the lows:


1. I had a much needed conversation with someone whom I dearly love...a few someones actually, in which I needed to share parts of my testimony that are deeply painful. 


When the tears started, they didn't stop for 12+ hours, and they were the kind that felt like they started from my toenails and worked their way all the way up through my gut and out of my mouth, in choking gasps.


Regardless of the fact that forgiveness has been granted, even though it's never been requested, there are still some hurts that are as raw at 40 years old as they were the day they were perpetrated.


So, the aftermath of those tears felt like an emotional hangover. 


It was. Exactly. That.


I hate sin. I hate the fact that some sins keep taking and taking and taking...


2. On Monday of this week, I went out with my precious new friend Lisa, and had such a hard time walking. My foot was crippling like my hand does, so much so that I had to hold onto either her or a cart to be able to walk.


I hate the feeling that I'm going to fall over at any minute. 
It scares me, and I really, really hate it.


Hate is a strong word, isn't it?


Well guess what?


I hate it!


3. Momma Nan is going through some heartbreak right now, and I can't do anything about it. 


(It's not her own, but that of someone she loves. She's like Jesus, you know. She loves deeply, sacrificially, and without release.)


And when she mourns, I mourn.


Yes, I can pray...and I'm doing that every single time that I think about her...but I still long to sit curled up in one of her cushy chairs at the farm, over a cup of hot coffee and talk through everything together.


I long to hug her so long and so tight that she has to beg me to let go of her!


I long to bow low before our King with her, and cry out to Him for His hand of mercy over the situation.


That time will come...but until then, I will continue to pray alone. 


Would you please join me? 


Then I won't be praying alone anymore. Pretty please.


4. On Tuesday of this week, we had tornadoes touch down tear down just down the road from us. Shane took great care of us and made sure that we were all prepared and were safe in the basement.


He's good like that. :)


I kept thinking about the post I wrote here and so wanted to be like my Mom had been through all of those tornado warnings in West Texas, yet I feel I failed miserably. 


#1. I was scared outta my wits, and felt like I was 5 years old again.


And...


#2. I was too busy with the doing to think much about the sheltering of my children with my words.


I did finally think to ask them what verses we could say, and one of them piped up, 
"Momma, what about the one you were saying the other day?"


It was this one...
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."


Perfect. Score one for the kiddos!


5. Today my man and I fought.
We don't do much of that, and it grieves my heart when we do.


I was madder than a bat outta you know where! I tried and tried and TRIED to keep a gentle and quiet spirit....but dadgummit if I didn't blow that one sky high!


And before you pull a feminista trip on me, let me say...


I blew my top. 


No nice way to say it. I just blew it right off!


He didn't. He was mad, but I was the one that lost it.


Emotional hangover #2 for the week? 
I don't know...I think I'm still mad, truthfully.


My guess is that he is too. 


Stinks.


But, he has the button, and I don't. 


Does your man have that? 


The button on the back of his head that allows him to go fast to sleep the minute that his head hits the pillow, regardless of anything going on at the moment?


He sleeps, and I just really want to throw something, or bang a tennis ball against a backboard. 


No luck with either of those, though. So I write.


Lucky you. Have you hung up on me yet? 

6. The spasticity in my hands, feet, and legs is getting worse. It's not always unbearable by any means, but it certainly is sometimes.


7. Today is Halloween. 
I hate Halloween with a passion!


Hate is a strong word, isn't it?


Well, I think I've already addressed that...


Uncategorized:


I've been asked to write my testimony for an event that is coming up at our church. It's to be 300-500 words.


I've spoken my testimony many times, but I've never had to write it out. I'm struggling with this so much, and I can't understand it.


My pastor's wife is lovely, and had encouraged me and walked me through some of it with her words of wisdom.


Yet, I still feel crippled.


How do I tell the truth when it's so hard to tell?


How do I tell it when it hurts so much?


How do I tell it in 300-500 words?


How do I tell it when I know that if I'm asked to share it out loud, I will cry until snot runs down my face? 


At a ladies Christmas brunch, none the less?


I'm pretty sure that I've asked you to pray for me about this already, but I do hope that you won't mind that I'm asking for your prayers once again.


So...how can you tell when I'm not doing too well?


I don't write faithfully.


And sometimes, I don't write at all.


I love you tonight.
If you've hung in this far into this post, I really extra love you!
Jes